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articles:
Been There, Done that...
And got the tee shirt? How many tee shirts are sitting in your wardrobe - tee shirts that you thought would make you feel fulfilled, complete, excited, happy? Tee shirts that you thought would give you some direction in life, that would make your life make sense, give your life meaning? How often when we have reached out for something to fill the gap have we been disappointed only to find that although it was great at the time it still wasn't IT?
We live in a materialistic society in which we are taught from a very early age that it is what we have that makes us who we are. Achieve, we are told and you will be happy. Get these things in life, have these experiences, do these things and you will have a happy, fulfilled life. I can remember the day I realised that this wasn't true. Not a deliberate lie, my parents had totally believed this idea and so had innocently passed it on to us, their children. But all the same it wasn't the truth. I was about 27 years old, I had achieved all that I had set out to do - I had everything that I had thought would make me feel happy and content. I had a beautiful old English thatched cottage with the roses growing over the door. I had a great job, lots of money, three holidays a year, my own hang-glider to take off to the hills whenever I wanted to experience that glorious freedom of flight, I was married to someone whom everybody thought was perfect for me. In essence I had everything I thought I wanted. One day I drove my brand new car up to the hill above the cottage and looked out over the Vale. Now this is a place of great beauty, one of the loveliest places in all of Wiltshire. The sun was shining, the air was clear as crystal, the larks were singing and I was so unhappy it felt like I was grieving. I had come to the realisation that everything I had worked for, dreamt about and created in my life was empty. All these things did not make me happy. Something very big was missing.
Now I am not saying in any way that having material possessions is a bad thing and that you have to start living the minimalist life. Not at all. However if we attribute our happiness to our outer possessions rather than our personal experience then it is likely that we will always feel that large whole, a gap to constantly fill.
So, what is it that something big? How do we clarify it? How do we learn to live life without the constant need to fill the gap? Well, one way is to work with a Life Coach and start taking a close honest look at our own lives. I liken the Life Coach to the Sports Coach. In both professions the Coach helps the individual clarify the goal and then they work in tandem to reach that goal. By setting a realistic action plan and journeying beside the person the Coach plays a supporting and guiding role, helping by giving insight and inspiration to move past the challenges and setbacks which, if one was traveling alone, could be the stumbling block of failure.
Life Coaching evolved in the USA in the 80's as a result of the Therapists and Counsellors realising that it was necessary to look at a person's whole life to move forward rather than looking back and resolving the past as Therapy does. Coaching starts from where you are and moves you to where you wish to go. It is not the magic pill however and requires a real commitment from the client to move forward and do whatever needs to be done to create change. Sometimes, when working with a Coach, old issues can arise and if that were the case then I would suggest you work directly with a qualified Therapist.
Life Coaching is a dynamic interaction between coach and client in which the client is on a road of self-discovery, looking at beliefs that limit us and becoming empowered to make clear, enthused decisions. Often it is also a reality check and will look at your whole life for when you wish to change one aspect of your life or reach a particular goal it can impact in other areas. For example if you have a burning desire to achieve and Open University degree but always say you don't have time to do it my question would be "what are you prepared to give up to achieve this dream?" This immediately shows whether the dream is real or simply a pipedream - the thing we constantly say we want but have no intention of doing anything about!
Sometimes when working with a client it becomes clear that although a dream may take on particular form in their mind it is actually a particular experience that would truly make the person feel fulfilled. I was talking with a client recently who held this long-term dream of owning a Bed & Breakfast in Italy. It simply wasn't practical for many reasons but as we talked it became clear that the real dream was to have more time to paint. In his mind that meant moving country and having a business that gave him time out. In reality he found he could rethink the picture and now works part time, which gives him time to paint - and paint he does! Once you identify the experience you are after then there are many ways to achieve it just as there are always many paths up a mountain. Some people might say that that's not achieving the original dream but the reason we have them in the first place is to feel fulfilled. If we can live our lives with that feeling of fulfillment then we've cracked it.
Another aspect of our dreams is that we can make them so unreachable that we don't actually have to do them. The impracticality of them ensures that we won't reach the goal and so without even being aware of it we sabotage ourselves before we take one step. By bringing our dreams into reality through seeing what we want to experience from them and then creating an action plan we bypass the saboteur - and believe me we all have one - and start creating the life we want.
We can have what we want, that's not in question. What is in question is what is it that we truly want? Once you find this out - and it is a process you work through to get to that point - you become infused with an amazing freedom. No longer are you tied to the 'having' in life - you are set free to the 'being' in life. You start to live in the present moment, enjoying each day for what it holds rather than wishing it were something else. It is like life gets back on track and when we are on track we experience that life flows - things happen that support our goals in many ways that we would not have imagined. Those goals that seemed so far off come closer to reality - we actually start creating them. Life becomes exciting and once again we regain our childlike enthusiasm for living.
I was working with a client in England recently - a lot of coaching is done on the phone so distance is no problem - and it became clear as we worked together that she was passionately interested in all things ecological. Although she had known this all along she had never seen it as a field that she could explore for work. It was like seeing a light come on, within one month she had found an MBA course she wanted to study, rearranged her life totally, found a job that allowed her to take the course, bought a flat that she loved and started the course. The enthusiasm in her voice each time we spoke was infectious and she told me that so many things had come to support her decision once she had committed to it. Life was on a roll.
It is a big step to take that close look at life, to be honest enough with oneself to admit that what we thought served us no longer does. To change direction when we thought we had our life sussed out is a scary proposition - it feels unsafe, like challenging our only existence. We also wonder how our partner and people we love will react to a change - they have a vested interest in us as we are - will they still love us if we change? All these feelings are valid but ask yourself one simple question - do I want to go through life feeling that something is missing - operating on half power? In this way you only share half of your potential with those you love - would it not be better to share the total you - full power, all rockets blasting?
More and more people are turning to Life Coaches to help them through
major life changes and step into their personal power. Perhaps it is time
for you too to enlist some such help. In fact what better time than at
New Year to set some meaningful and purposeful resolutions? Four thousand
years ago the Babylonians used the energy of the new year to set personal
goals as they believed that what a person did on the first day of the
new year would have an effect throughout the entire year. Life is an incredible
gift - why not use this new year and our tradition of resolutions to start
living it fully, joyfully, excitedly and with great love. In this way
you can enjoy all those tee shirts...
Previously Printed in Essential Marbella magazine Jan 2004
Life & Lifestyle:
• Fulfilment – The Key To Our Happiness
• What's Yours? Another Take on New Year's Resolutions
Relationships:
Career:
• Visualisation – The Career Turbo Charger
• Overcoming The Hurdles When Changing Career